What My Bisexuality Means To Me
I’ve sat down to write this article many times. After having asked a client what their sexuality meant to them, I realised that I hadn’t considered this question myself quite so explicitly. So I started to think. Then I decided that this was something I wanted to share because I believe it’s important to have these conversations.
I knew I was bisexual at the age of 12. I found the process of identifying this pretty simple at the time because I didn’t have any awareness of orientations beyond straight, gay or lesbian and bi. So, by process of elimination, I found the language to communicate my sexuality quite happily and easily.
I was lucky to not have any internal conflict about being this way. It was something that I accepted rather easily.
Other people had less accepting views and they didn’t always keep these views to themselves. But this is not about them.
While I found some benefits to the lack of information about alternative sexualities, there were definitely drawbacks. I grew up without exposure to other bisexual people’s experiences and without education of biphobia, bierasure and monosexism. I have always rejected the ‘greedy’, ‘indecisive’ and ‘it’s just a phase’ messaging. And it took me many years to realise that I had internalised some of the other toxic messaging I’d been exposed to about bisexuality. I think the most problematic for me was all tied in with bierasure - I constantly felt the need to show, demonstrate and defend my sexuality or just accept that I don’t fit in anywhere. This was a problem and I worked on addressing it as soon as I realised how awful and incorrect it is.
My bisexuality means more to me now, as an adult. I put that down to having put the work into ridding myself of those toxic attitudes as well as educating myself on the lived experiences of other people who share the same identity.
For me, being bisexual means:
That I am attracted primarily to a person’s individual qualities, characteristics and personality,
That their genitals matter much less,
Having preferences for partners and potential partners which is subject to change as I work on myself and grow as a person,
Being less likely to hook up with randoms because I am less focused on the physical and more focused on personality etc,
Being able to and preferring to form committed romantic relationships,
My identity is stable over time,
I may or may not choose to be single, have one partner or more than one partner,
The gender of my partner(s) does not indicate a change in my sexuality,
My identity is accepting of trans people, enby, agender and other alternative gender identities/expressions,
Only I can know if this is the best term to describe my sexuality and no one else has the right to tell me otherwise.
I can only speak for myself when it comes to this and that is all I am aiming to do.
It felt important for me to write and share this. As an act of bi visibility, a moment of transparency and an intimate sharing of myself with you.
Images © Unsplash and © Carole Carter
